New Doug's Dozen not on video: Atom Smasher Provides Smashing Items!
by: DougMolitor
March 31, 2010 3:56 PM
But here's the latest Doug's Dozen list anyway:
News item: Europe's Large Hadron Supercollider, the world's biggest atom smasher, was powered up late Monday night. It is expected to tell scientists much about the structure of reality, and duplicate conditions in the early Universe in the moments right after the Big Bang.
DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER
1. TURNING ON A LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER WILL NOT DESTROY THE EARTH - I MEAN, WE WERE ABOUT 80 PERCENT SURE, BUT THIS SETTLES IT
2. WHEN YOU OPEN A DIMENSIONAL RIFT AND MAN-EATING MONSTERS POUR INTO THIS WORLD, IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE THE 11 O'CLOCK NEWS
3. OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT USABLE FOR TIME TRAVEL, SINCE HISTORY BOOKS STILL MENTION GEORGE W. BUSH
4. UNIVERSE BEGAN WITH A BIG BANG, FOLLOWED BY A 100-MILLION-YEAR CIGARETTE
5. "COSMIC RAYS" NOT REALLY COSMIC AT ALL, THEY'RE JUST PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES NAMED RAY
6. BLACK HOLES DO NOT SUCK AS STRONGLY AS "JERSEY SHORE"
7. DISCOVERED MIRROR UNIVERSE IDENTICAL TO OURS EXCEPT THERE, SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES ARE STILL HAPPILY MARR-- OH, WAIT, NEVER MIND
8. FOUND LONG-PREDICTED "GOD PARTICLE": IT SAYS IT'S GOING TO KICK THE POPE'S ASS
9. "ATOM SMASHER SCIENTIST" GETS YOU LAID 900% MORE OFTEN THAN "SCIENTIST AT LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER"
10. CREATED CLOSEST THING TO A PERFECT VACUUM, OUTSIDE OF SARAH PALIN'S SKULL
11. BAD NEWS - WHAT WE CONSIDER "REALITY" ACTUALLY A DREAM OF A STATEN ISLAND TELEMARKETER
12. WORSE NEWS - HE HAS A DENTAL APPOINTMENT, SO HE'S SET HIS ALARM EARLY
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