Typically, those aligning themselves with the conservative wing of American politics are more like ignorant, violent dipshits, as opposed to the high-N-mighty voice of moral reason, embodiment of personal restraint, and law-N-order slash National Security bastions of awesome these retards would like you to believe they truly are.  But they're not.

According to Conservapedia (yes, that actually exists), "A conservative adheres to principles of limited government, personal responsibility and moral values, agreeing with George Washington's Farewell Address that 'religion and morality are indispensable supports' to political prosperity."  Moreover, "The sine qua non of a conservative is someone who rises above his personal self-interest and promotes moral and economic values beneficial to all, rather than to themselves as liberals promote. Alternatively, a conservative is willing to learn and advocate the insights of economics and the morality of the Bible for the benefit of all as is well known the Bible is the ultimate standard in logic."

Now that you're done laughing your ass off, let's move on.

Despite what Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh would have you believe, most "conservatives," historically and in the present timeframe, almost always support and further that which they continually and vitriolically decry.  See, these assholes have mastered the art of lying.  Mastering the craft of using emotionally divisive rhetoric and  feel-good platitudes to hoodwink the great unwashed masses is as endemic to the mindset of your Salem Witch Hunt mob as it is to the G. Gordon Liddys and the Michelle Bachmans of the world.

The truth of the matter is, most conservatives are big, big fans of controlling what you think, controlling how you live your life, and dictating the absolutes of right and wrong - while getting you to pay for it, dearly, through high taxes and corporation-imposed artificial inflation enforced by a tyrannical central government authority.

The weak federal authority, Don't Tread on Me, Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death, inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness people?  Yeah, those are actually liberals who really believe that shit.  A conservative bullshitting about "preserving your freedoms" blah, blah, blah, is sort of like a rapist telling you that the massive rectal trauma he's inflicting on you actually feels good, while he's raping your asshole.  Now, you just lie there and take it and let Carl Rove finish "his business."

In the interest of exposing these lying assholes for the hypocrites that they really are, I give you:

Fucking Liar #1: J. Edgar Hoover.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "Hoover is credited with building the FBI into a large and efficient crime-fighting agency, and with instituting a number of modern innovations to police technology, such as a centralized fingerprint file and forensic laboratories."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: Your standard Law-N-Order conservative, Hoover gives the narrow-minded and the repressed spooky sexual dreams to this day.  Nothing gives a Republican a raging hard-on faster than draconian enforcement of anachronistic laws, unless we're talking about inflicting sadistic punishments for violating said laws.  If the RNC had their (secret, shameful) way, public flagellation and state-sponsored sexual torture would still be the order of the day.
The Reality: Essentially the father of the American Gestapo, Hoover is pretty much the antitheses of conservatism.  A high-minded, authoritarian bureaucrat hell-bent on imposing his beliefs and superstitions on a cowering populace under the guise of Orwelian Federal authority.
The Result: John Walsh's (America's Most Wanted) entire career.  Brainwashing the public into accepting the extant Police State through the airing of the TV show "COPS."
Recommended Redefinition:  The GOP's very own Heinrich Himmler.  Also, a creepy weirdo who liked to take it in the ass while wearing a dress as he systematically persecuted homosexuals.  See, repression and unhealthy views on sexuality are essential to the conservative mindset.  You just know Glen Beck enjoys homoerotic fantasies while he masturbates in the shower every morning.

Fucking Liar #2: Joseph McCarthy.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "An American politician who served as a Republican U.S. Senator from the state of Wisconsin from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of a period in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion.[1] He was noted for making claims that there were large numbers of Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers inside the United States federal government and elsewhere. Ultimately, McCarthy's tactics and his inability to substantiate his claims led him to be censured by the United States Senate. The term McCarthyism, coined in 1950 in reference to McCarthy's practices, was soon applied to similar anti-communist pursuits. Today the term is used more generally to describe demagogic, reckless, and unsubstantiated accusations, as well as public attacks on the character or patriotism of political opponents."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: Hey, man.  We're fighting commies, here.  You can't get more conservative than that, right?  Never mind the fact that he embodied everything a "conservative" is supposed to despise.  Just imagine if Truman had tried to reform the American health care system.  Wow, man.
The Reality: Again, here we have one of the most powerful people in the U.S. Government using fear - the fear of Socialist, Marxist Commies (sound familiar?) - to impose his School-Teacher-From-The-Wall-esque domination over every American's thoughts and beliefs.
The Result: I think this says it all:  "Everything you think you know about McCarthy is a hegemonic lie. Liberals denounced McCarthy because they were afraid of getting caught, so they fought back like animals to hide their own collaboration with a regime as evil as the Nazis."  -Ann Coulter.  You should be noticing a pattern, by now.  So much for freedoms and Not Treading on Me.
Recommended Redefinition:  Fat, rich, angry, drunk white man imposing his beliefs on everyone else through a heavy-handed, just-making-shit-up campaign of terror and demagoguery.  What a dick.

Fucking Liar #3: Richard Nixon.
Backstory: You know, the guy who tried to railroad the electoral process, amassed an (actual - this one really existed) "Enemies List" (that is, Enemies of The State), and basically subverted the constitution, existing a hair's breadth from becoming an usurping dictator.
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: "No other American has held office in the executive branch of the federal government as long as Richard Nixon did.[213] He is the only person in American history to appear on the Republican Party's presidential ticket five times, to secure the Republican nomination for president three times, and to have been elected twice to both the vice presidency and the presidency. With Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush, Richard Nixon was the chief builder of the modern Republican party. From 1952 to 1992, at least one of these three men appeared on the Republican ticket for nine of the eleven presidential elections in those 40 years.  Throughout his career, he was instrumental in moving the party away from the control of isolationists and as a Congressman was a persuasive advocate of containing Soviet Communism."  [wiki]
The Reality: "Under Nixon, direct payments from the federal government to individual American citizens in government benefits (including Social Security and Medicare) rose from 6.3% of the Gross National Product (GNP) to 8.9%. Food aid and public assistance also rose, beginning at $6.6 billion and escalating to $9.1 billion. Defense spending decreased from 9.1% to 5.8% of the GNP. The revenue sharing program pioneered by Nixon delivered $80 billion to individual states and municipalities [Wiki]."  What's more:  "despite speeches declaring an opposition to the idea, he decided to offer Congress a budget with deficit spending to reduce unemployment and declared, 'Now I am a Keynesian.'" [Wiki]
The Result: The obsessive, rather disturbing need for every conservative on the planet to attack everyone within earshot, calling them "Tax-N-Spenders," despite the obvious historical fact that Republicans have repeatedly almost ruined the American economy.
Recommended Redefinition:  The man was a fucking Felon, okay?  "Elder Statesman," my liberal, hairy ass.  Also,  Nixon was a total asshole.

Fucking Liar #4: Ronald Reagan.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "As president, Reagan implemented sweeping new political and economic initiatives. His supply-side economic policies, dubbed 'Reaganomics', advocated reduced business regulation, controlling inflation, reducing growth in government spending, and spurring economic growth through tax cuts. In his first term he survived an assassination attempt, took a hard line against labor unions, and ordered military actions in Grenada. He was reelected in a landslide in 1984, proclaiming it was 'Morning in America'. His second term was primarily marked by foreign matters, namely the ending of the Cold War, the bombing of Libya, and the revelation of the Iran-Contra affair."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: Here, we get at the meat.  This guy is like Jesus to your conservative mind.  Or at least he would be if Jesus wasn't Jesus.  Heralded as the Big-Timey champion of lower taxes and smaller government, the facts support otherwise..
The Reality: Taxes for the vast majority of Americans and the size and scope of the federal government actually rose under Reagan's dopey-brained "stewardship" over the American economy.  Rampant deficit spending and shifting of the tax burdens to the middle and working classes are widely viewed as being the impetous for the financial meltdown of the late 80's/Early 90's, a downturn not reversed until the Clinton Administration.  Also, here we have another sitting U.S. President subverting the constitution.  Trading arms for hostages and selling illegal weapons to terrorists went in direct opposition to federal law and the separation of the branches of government, funding an illegal war in Nicaragua.
The Result: Under Reagan/Bush/Bush?  Deficits, the size of government, and taxes on the middle-class all rose precipitously.  Under Democrats, all three of these indicators fell, leading to largest peace time expansion of the American economy in history.  Yet, it's the liberals who tax and spend.  See?  Bunch of fucking liars.
Recommended Redefinition:  The idiot, off-his-nut grandpa of American Presidents who likely just played with Tinker Toys while the Poindexters and Rumsfelds and Bushes of the world ran roughshod over the economy, the constitution, bankrupting the morality of the country in the process.

Fucking Liar #5: Newt Gingrich.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "Newton Leroy 'Newt' Gingrich (born Newton Leroy McPherson; June 17, 1943) is an American politician who served as the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives from 1995 to 1999. In 1995, Time magazine selected him as the Person of the Year for his role in leading the Republican Revolution in the House, ending 40 years of the Democratic Party being in the majority. During his tenure as Speaker, he represented the public face of the Republican opposition to Bill Clinton."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: The "Contract for America."  Generally being a combative asshole.  Responsible for the present state of the republican party;  namely, Newtie made it acceptable to stand in the way of progress and change for no other reason than just being a fucking jackass.
The Reality: "On January 21, 1997, the House voted overwhelmingly (395 to 28) to reprimand House Speaker Newt Gingrich for ethics violations dating back to September 1994. The house ordered Gingrich to pay an unprecedented $300,000 penalty, the first time in the House's 208-year history it had disciplined a speaker for ethical wrongdoing."  [Wiki]  Not only is this asshole blatantly corrupt, he divorced his wife while she was recovering from cancer (CLASSY!), then remarried six months later.  After his second divorce, this prick bastard quickly married the tramp with whom he was having an affair while married to his second wife WHILE congress was investigating the Lewinsky scandal involving President Clinton.
The Result: Just turn on FAUX News at any given time:  This is Gingrichs' legacy.  Lying corrupt fucktards trying to ram their bullshit agenda down everyones' throats, demonizing everyone who even thinks about disagreeing with them, violating their own principles the entire time.  In Short:  Your typical Republican.
Recommended Redefinition:  The biggest fatass piece of shit in American History.  Also, the guy's name is "Newton Leroy."  Never forget that.

Fucking Liar #6: Donald Rumsfeld.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "A United States businessman and politician who served as the 13th Secretary of Defense under President Gerald Ford from 1975 to 1977 and as the 21st Secretary of Defense under President George W. Bush from 2001 to 2006. He is both the youngest (43 years old) and the oldest (74 years old) person to have served as Secretary of Defense as well as the only person to have served in the position for two non-consecutive terms. Overall, he was the second longest serving defense secretary behind Robert McNamara. Rumsfeld was White House Chief of Staff during part of the Ford Administration and also served in various positions in the Nixon Administration. He served four terms in the United States House of Representatives, and served as the United States Permanent Representative to NATO. He was an aviator in the United States Navy between 1954 and 1957 before transferring to the Naval Reserve. In public life, he has served as an official in numerous federal commissions and councils."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: This guy presided over some of the evilest shit in American History.  Fuck, Nixon called this guy, "A ruthless little bastard," if that gives you any idea how much of a dick this guy is.  Sec Def, Head of the CIA, and also served as Senior Advisor to President Reagan's Panel on Strategic Systems, the group that masterminded the sale of WMD's to Iraq (the ones Hussein used on his own people, not the ones Rummy and Bush would later make completely the fuck up).
The Reality: From the cover-up of the Kennedy assassination, to Watergate, to Iran Contra, to Bankrolling Hussein, to Propping up Bush II, to the present, illegal Iraq war, Old Donny sure is going to have some serious hell to pay when Karma rolls around.
The Result: Two illegal wars.  Enron.  The financial Meltdown.  Roughly 50 years of pure, unmitigated hate and shitstorm unleashed upon planet Earth.
Recommended Redefinition:  The Anti-Christ.  For REAL.

Fucking Liar #7: Sarah Palin.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "American politician, author, speaker, and political commentator who served as the 11th Governor of Alaska from 2006 until her resignation in 2009. She was the Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States in 2008."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: God only knows.  Folksy one-liners?  Her anti-abortion stance?  Something about Jesus and illegitimate grandchildren?  Who cares?
The Reality: Palin is a self-serving, self-righteous opportunist.  Dumber than a sack of oatmeal, this broad bailed on the People of Alaska and their long-awaited natural gas pipeline effort in order to become Glen Beck's wet motherfucking dream;  thus the nickname, "Bailin' Palin."
The Result: The complete implosion of the Republican party.  Shitloads of hilariously stupid Teabagger placards.  Tina Fey's career.
Recommended Redefinition:  The Dumb Office Betty Who Couldn't.

Yes, there have been shitty liberals, but fucking Marilyn Monroe and sticking a cigar up Monica Lewinsky's snatch hardly compares to essentially turning the United States into the Galactic Empire, now does it?  Not so much, especially when one considers the fact that the above group of evil fuckers did all this in the name of "Liberty" and "God" and "Family Values" and "stopping the socialists from ruining America."  Bunch of anti-education, anti-science, anti-reality retards.

And now, the right wing has become completely unglued and detached from actual facts.  Wrapping themselves in the American Flag, these non-idiots have, in the name of defeating "socialism," now gone out of their way to thwart our sitting president's efforts to wrestle some of the control of the economy out of the hands of a few, evil, republican-run corporations, often invoking our Founding Fathers and the Constitution to support their lies.