Sorry, no time for video, but here's...

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 THINGS MC CHRYSTAL SAID TO OBAMA THIS MORNING

1. SORRY DUDE, I WAS WRECKED ON SOME AWESOME AFGHAN HASH

2. JUST SO I UNDERSTAND, YOU WANT ME TO RESIGN, NOT RE-SIGN?

3. I THINK MY PROBLEM WAS READING ALL THOSE BOOKS ABOUT GENERAL MC CLELLAN

4. DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO? I'M FRIENDS WITH PRESIDENT KARZAI !

5. WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO FIND ANOTHER GENERAL WHO CAN GET ALONG WITH A DRUG-DEALING ELECTION THIEF?

6. THIS SUCKS WORSE THAN THE ENDING OF "SEVEN DAYS IN MAY"

7. I'M REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE SURROUNDED BY ALL YOU CIVILIANS I CAN'T HAVE KILLED

8. I GUESS A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION TO KIM JONG IL IS OUT OF THE QUESTION

9. I FORGOT, DID I MENTION THE HASH?

10. NO, SIR, YOU HEARD WRONG.  I SAID YOU WERE "BIGGER"

11. DO YOU MIND IF I DON'T FINISH OUT THE WEEK? FRIDAY I START MY NEW JOB AT FOX NEWS

12. THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.  AND YOU TOO, MR. BITE-ME

c 2010 by Doug Molitor

for more Doug's Dozen (videos on FunnyOrDie) go to:  www.dougsdozen.com

(I feel this one is the best one yet.  Setting the everglades on fire was brilliant. - promoted by faultguy)

There are only so many ways for a man to say, "I'm sorry I killed your ocean."

Taking a week off to go yachting is not one of them.

I get that it's not fun being in the limelight when all you can say is, "I can't answer that" or "please don't throw any more of those, my clothes smell enough as it is."  

But if he needed to decompress, why did he pick a very public yacht race...using the very same ocean on which he'd turned loose the Oxygen-Destroyer?

Why not spend time with his family, refusing to answer the door for deliveries and yelling at the kids to keep away from the windows?  

No, I think this must all be part of some grand, if masochistic, plan to take the heat off British Petroleum by turning its soon-to-be-ex-CEO into the Most Hated Man in the World.  

And I've got a dozen ideas to give him a good start.

Did Queen Elizabeth drop the sword on Sir Elton's John's head when she knighted him?  Or was he hypnotized by an evil mesmerist?  Or did he just lose a bet? What other explanation can there be for him showing up and singing at the wedding of professional racist and gay-rights foe Rush Limbaugh?  That Elton was paid one million dollars for it just adds humiliation to self-injury.  It's not like one of the most successful songwriters in history needs the money.  His net worth is estimated at half a billion dollars.  A million-dollar fee for Sir Elton is like a working shlub who makes $50,000 a year selling his soul to Satan for a grand.  It's got to be the crappiest deal in the history of damnation.

But the dedicated fan in me hopes that Elton had a sly ulterior motive.  Perhaps if we analyze this week's Doug's Dozen, the 12 songs that he played for Rush and the Bride of Limbaugh, we will understand it...

Think about it.  

The foe of everything you hold dear, of education, of the Constitution, of democracy itself, lives close enough to snap candid photos of you unawares.  And that enemy is writing about you...writing horrible things that will inspire followers to threaten your life.  And she's doing it in 140 characters or less.  

Did I mention she's a blogger with thousands of unhinged fans?  

Plus, she likes to shoot things who can't shoot back.

If it were me, I'd move.  

Author Joe McGinniss is made of sterner stuff.  He's gone after child-killers and a crooked president.  

But I sure hope he has an idea how tough it can be when you and the loon next door are locked in a dispute ...or worse, a dozen of them.

If you live in California, or have walked past a TV here over the last six months, you've been exposed to a knockdown dragout fight over the Republican nomination for governor.  

If you overheard their names in passing, and didn't read them, you might get the impression that a white man and a poisoner are going after someone brown.  And you'd be absolutely right.  

But California isn't Arizona.  We don't hold with bashing Hispanics...not when there are also poor people we can stomp when they're down.  

And one thing you can be sure of, whether the Republican candidate will be billionaire Meg Whitman, or humble near-billionaire Steve Poizner:  They both agree that keeping taxes low for the super-rich will move California forward. Of course, we're headed for bankruptcy, but you can't expect them to raise their own taxes just to avoid that.  

After all, Meg and Steve are already spending millions of their own money to buy a governor's mansion.  If their little bidding war doesn't shore up California housing prices, I don't know what will.  Meantime, before Election Day there's still time for another dozen of the most entertaining TV ads this side of pro wrestling.  

British Petroleum may have a plan to cap their leaking oil well.  Let's hope they're not using their latest contractor, Halliburton.  Otherwise, can expect a lot of electrocuted scuba divers.  And to go ten trillion bucks in debt without getting a damn thing accomplished.  

But if a giant dome doesn't work, don't worry. I'm sure the oil industry has a Plan B, a Plan C, a Plan D...and a dozen Plan Fs.  

Personally, I think this was the Brits' way of getting back at us for all this tea party nonsense.  That was really rubbing salt in a very old wound.  They never really forgave us for that nasty breakup in 1776.  Oh, sure, they pretended they weren't mad anymore.  They let us save their asses in WW2, and sent us the Beatles and James Bond, but all along, they were waiting for the chance to dump something in our harbor.  

The slick bastards.

Tea Party types are fond of saying "I want my country back."  This is a sentiment possibly shared by the Mexican immigrants in Arizona, if they know their history.  

How' does that old Mark Lindsay song go? "Arizona, cut off your Indian braids."  These days, it should really be "Take off your Mexican shoes."  Because according to California Congressman Brian Bilbray, that's how you can tell an illegal immigrant from a legal resident.  Which means peace officers like Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio will be paying more attention to footwear than any straight men in history.

Arpaio is beloved in Arizona for housing his prisoners in extreme heat and working them to exhaustion, to teach them crime doesn't pay.  Unfortunately, illegals are learning just the opposite lesson from agribusiness, construction, and the tourism industry.  But you don't want bust those guys!  Exploiting illegals makes them rich enough to hire high-powered legal talent.  So it makes more sense for Arizona to go the exploitees.  And if you can simultaneously harass legal immigrants, and piss off American citizens with a suspicious amount of vowels and Zs in their names, it's a bonus.  

Of course, zealous attention to skin color and accents could make the Grand Canyon State look like a real hole...not a nice place to visit.  So here's a timely reminder of a dozen reasons we should be vacationing there.

After that New York Times poll, you wouldn't think there could be any more surprises in tea party movement.

We know they broadcast their love for the Constitution as fervently as Kristen Stewart's most dedicated stalker declares his passion for her, and displaying almost as much intimate knowledge of their beloved.

At Staples, I actually had a Tea Partisan in a very large straw sun hat inform me that "welfare" appears nowhere in the Constitution.  I said it takes some searching but if you manage to slog about thirty words into the Preamble, you do come across the phrase "promote the general Welfare." Assuming this was not bald-faced graft benefiting a presumptuous Colonel Welfare who had a lot of pull with James Madison, these words signal that the Founders foresaw the wisdom of government projects that would help the entire population: Postal systems, canals, highways and the like.  Had they known medical science was about to take a huge leap beyond leeches and bloodletting, they might have even specified health care.  As it is, we can certainly take it as implied...as we do with the Air Force,  paper money, Medicare, the Space Telescope, Social Security, and the right to vote.

But even though the Constitution held a few more nasty surprises in store for my Mad-Hatted friend (no "God", "Jesus", "Christ" or "Holy Ghost" either), turnabout is fair play.  The Tea Partiers have their own surprises for us - and not the good kind.

My mouse-clickin' finger is out of commission, so no video for a while.

But here's the latest Doug's Dozen list anyway:

News item: Europe's Large Hadron Supercollider, the world's biggest atom smasher, was powered up late Monday night. It is expected to tell scientists much about the structure of reality, and duplicate conditions in the early Universe in the moments right after the Big Bang.

DOUG'S DOZEN: 12 THINGS WE'VE LEARNED FROM THE LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER

1. TURNING ON A LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER WILL NOT DESTROY THE EARTH - I MEAN, WE WERE ABOUT 80 PERCENT SURE, BUT THIS SETTLES IT

2. WHEN YOU OPEN A DIMENSIONAL RIFT AND MAN-EATING MONSTERS POUR INTO THIS WORLD, IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE THE 11 O'CLOCK NEWS

3. OBVIOUSLY IT'S NOT USABLE FOR TIME TRAVEL, SINCE HISTORY BOOKS STILL MENTION GEORGE W. BUSH

4. UNIVERSE BEGAN WITH A BIG BANG, FOLLOWED BY A 100-MILLION-YEAR CIGARETTE

5. "COSMIC RAYS" NOT REALLY COSMIC AT ALL, THEY'RE JUST PRETENTIOUS ASSHOLES NAMED RAY

6. BLACK HOLES DO NOT SUCK AS STRONGLY AS "JERSEY SHORE"

7. DISCOVERED MIRROR UNIVERSE IDENTICAL TO OURS EXCEPT THERE, SANDRA BULLOCK AND JESSE JAMES ARE STILL HAPPILY MARR--  OH, WAIT, NEVER MIND

8. FOUND LONG-PREDICTED "GOD PARTICLE": IT SAYS IT'S GOING TO KICK THE POPE'S ASS

9. "ATOM SMASHER SCIENTIST" GETS YOU LAID 900% MORE OFTEN THAN "SCIENTIST AT LARGE HADRON SUPERCOLLIDER"

10. CREATED CLOSEST THING TO A PERFECT VACUUM, OUTSIDE OF SARAH PALIN'S SKULL

11. BAD NEWS - WHAT WE CONSIDER "REALITY" ACTUALLY A DREAM OF A STATEN ISLAND TELEMARKETER

12. WORSE NEWS - HE HAS A DENTAL APPOINTMENT, SO HE'S SET HIS ALARM EARLY

You wouldn't think the GOP was nearly all out of lunacy, to hear Minority Leader John Boehner howling "Hell, no, you can't" like a madman on the floor of the House of Representatives.  Especially since his message is so pure, so Zen in its simple lunacy:  Stop health.

The problem is, that the true believers in the fight against health are less likely to be around in two years for the 2012 election.

Like any resource, insane ideas are a finite commodity.  Decades ago, they were so plentiful the GOP had an embarrassment of them: Loyalty oaths, fluoridation, flag-burning amendments. Today, they seem not so much mad, as quaint.  They lack the true, edgy danger of a really crazy notion, like reneging on medical care, or civil rights.

As youngsters grow more liberal in social values, it seems unlikely that Republicans can keep relying on new voters eager to make total strangers miserable.  And then again, there are so many closeted gay Republicans, that anti-gay crusades become as self-defeating as crusades against health.

So where is the next crazy non-issue to come from?

I'll start:  How about the death penalty for killer whales?  

Do you think Thomas Jefferson wasn't a real influence on revolutionary movements?  Do you consider Confederate president Jefferson Davis to be a hero of equal standing with Abraham Lincoln?  Do you feel the outcome of the Civil War was that states have the right to secede if they want?

Well, good news!  While in most states those notions would brand you an ignoramus, in Texas you qualify for valedictorian.

But I have a feeling the new Texas schoolbooks have at least a dozen more surprises in store for us.  

How did things come to such a pretty pass?

In Afghanistan, a couple of decades ago, the Taliban decided children were getting too much humanism and secular values in the schools, and not enough religious indoctrination, so they ran well-financed campaigns to pack local school boards with semi-educated extremists, to ensure everyone's children only learned what the Taliban wanted them to believe, however fictional.

Oh, wait, that wasn't Afghanistan. That was America. Okay, easy fix.  Wherever I have "Taliban", just insert "right-wing Christians."

And this week in Texas, the battle for the hearts and misinformed minds has finally borne its bruised, maggoty fruit.  If all goes as scheduled, within a generation, dimbulb secessionists like Gov. Rick Perry will be seen by Texas high school grads (if any) as rational statesmen.  

And here's the really good news - because of the size of the Texas school system, when their Board of Education gets taken over by rabid right-wingers, it means every textbook company in America will compete to squeeze out propaganda as messed-up as the Texas Taliban demands. Because God forbid that any kids in America be educated differently than they are in that intellectual bastion on the Rio Grande.

Once again, the ol' Invisible Hand of the marketplace gives us the finger.  Not that I would say anything against monopolistic corporate capitalism - excuse me, I should translate for any Texan children reading this, "free enterprise."

I'm sure this will all turn out just fine.

As Shakespeare might have said, "All's Orwell that ends Orwell."  And maybe he did say that.  

I better check my Texas English text.

WOW!  California State Senator Roy Ashburn just came out!  

It seems that after anti-gay crusader Ashburn was busted for DUI at a gay bar, he just couldn't think of a good explanation.

Oh, Roy, Roy, Roy...! Did you learn nothing from Larry Craig and Ted Haggard?  Deny, deny, deny, that's the ticket!

If only Roy had waited for the advice I posted here this very morning!  Why, there's a hundred reasonable explanations for a pol who opposes gay marriage ending up at a gay bar.  (Would you believe, a Dozen?)

Now that Ashburn has shown the way, maybe other religious conservatives will ditch their repressed, joyless, dishonest lives.

Maybe this will begin a Republican Renaissance of honesty and tolerance!

....Naah.  Just kidding.  Ashburn vows he'll keep on voting like a bigot.

Personally, I think the G.O.P.'s attack on gay civil rights is actually their cynical, brilliant move to prevent marriage from taking all those cute guys down at the Boom Boom Room out of circulation.  Let's face it -- widespread gay marriage would be a disaster for these pols, leaving them with nothing but a bunch of their hideous Republican closetmates to hit on.  

Brrr.

The only prospect that could be more horrifying to them is affordable health care for all.

Anyone can argue for life.   But John McCain is fighting for an insurance system that kills 45,000 Americans each year.  

Now that takes guts.  It's like championing the cause of lung cancer or traffic accidents.  He has to be willing to take an unpopular stand...and also, huge donations.  He has to condemn the idea of government paying for health care, without turning beet-red when voters remind him that they pay for his.  Even though he could afford to buy his own insurance....with those huge donations.

Fortunately, his Republican colleagues like Boehner, Coburn and Kyl are taking the same brave stand (and equally huge donations.)  

And think of all the paper we'll save -- instead of a 2.700 page law, just one-page denial of coverage letter.

It's time to sing his praises.  With as many sour notes as possible.

First, they kicked Courtney Love off a plane, and I did not complain because I was not a smoker

Then they kicked Ivana Trump off a plane, and I did not complain because I'm not a crazy rich bitch.

Then they kicked Kevin Smith off a plane, and I did not complain because I was not fat.

Okay, fine, but I'm on a diet.  Still, I bet those Southwest dudes will find a Dozen other ways to humiliate their customers.

I mean, what's to stop them from banning George Clooney for being a jetsetting Lothario with no real human connections?

Oh, wait, that's just a character he played.

OR IS IT???

Guys, it's hard enough choosing the right Valentine's gift for the love of your life. Imagine trying to do it without the wife finding out!  And then imagine you're a multi-millionaire who was nearly elected Vice President, and is now running for President.  So you really have to be discreet.  Especially after you knock up your beloved while you're out campaigning on your family man image.  Well, that was ex-Senator Edwards' dilemma a couple of years ago.

So take heart, guys.  No matter how lame the card or the posies or the box of See's you buy is, as long as you're only shopping for one, you're ahead of John Edwards.  

In fact, this week's Doug's Dozen is a lesson in what not to do: John Edwards' 12 Worst Valentine Gifts.

Rumor has it he's going to ask Rielle to marry him, as soon as he's divorced.  Talk about romantic!  I bet they write their own vows.  I think they'll pretty much have to, if they don't want to get laughed out of their own wedding.

By the way, wouldn't it be great if Rielle Hunter's middle name was Fortune?  

OMG!  First you try to fake your way through the oral exam you didn't study for (that mean old Ms. Couric would not grade you on the curve!)  But now you're writing crib sheets on your palm?  Girl, if I were as funny on purpose as you are unintentionally, I'd be hosting the Tonight Show.  Or maybe just leaving it.

But still, I try.  

[Edited to add:  just saw Doug's Dozen featured in a CNN story about Sarah Palin's hand/cheat sheet.
http://www.cnn.com/video/?/vid...
I appear at :56 and 2:08.

Anytime I can be on the news, and not in handcuffs, I'm happy.]

By all means, everyone phone your Congressmen and Senators and demand a decent public option via reconciliation.  

This is life-or-death, people.

But then again, so is eating. And what do we need, in order to eat?  Those 32 hard-working employees (fewer if you've downsized) who always have a smile for you.  And who keeps them on the job?  You see where I'm going with this.

So this week's Doug's Dozen is a searing political satire that rips open society's...

...aw, crap, who am I kidding?  No politics this week.  It's about your dentist.

They say it's worse than the Dred Scott decision of 1857, or even the dread Scott Brown decision of last week.  It could be the end of our democracy.  So why do I get the idea these clowns are just warming up?  Sounds like another Doug's Dozen.

Let's look on the bright side, though.  Think of all the money you'll now save on political donations -- no point in you trying to outspend Shell Oil or Cigna or Cigna or Bear Stearns, now is there?

And who knows? Maybe those bean counters who work for that mega cartel headquartered in the Cayman Islands will do a better job of picking your leaders than  your neighbors have.  I mean, if you live in South Carolina, you've already got Mark Sanford, Jim DeMint and Joe Wilson.  How could a soulless corporation screw you any further?

Why does Rush Limbaugh hate Haiti?

Is their GNP getting a bit too close to his yearly income?

Are they consuming resources at the same rate he is?

Or is it that he not only wants President Obama to fail, but also anyone who vaguely looks like him?

Rush complains that liberals never visit his website to check out his reasoning. But if you're worried about contracting a greedhead virus, this should explain Rush's thinking on the matter.

Cheney accuses Obama of making America less safe.  This carries a lot of weight, since Cheney is the acknowledged master of this topic.  

America's bravest draft-dodger explains how sometimes it becomes necessary to destroy the Constitution to save it. He's so smart, you wonder why he was never president...oh, wait a sec, he was!  

Why won't Obama listen to Cheney's words of wisdom, which worked out so well for Obama's predecessor?

You might think that even a bitter old war criminal with one foot in the grave would not stoop to telling America's foes that its president won't respond if attacked...but that just proves you don't know Dick.