Becklodytes, be warned.  The Left is stirring.  In just two weeks, various FB folks have amassed a (real) grassroots uprising.  Refusing to tolerate the lies and the bullshit anymore, we are making our voices heard.  But we're only 1/3rd of the way there.  We still need more fans to beat Glenn Beck on the Can this poodle wearing a tinfoil hat get more fans than Glenn Beck FaceBook page!  Join, then tell all your friends!  [I have nothing to do with this idea, I'm just an adoring fan.]

In all seriousness, it's worth joining this group just for the people involved.  Some of the funniest people you'll ever want to meet.  Hours of laughs and good clean kicking the crap out of the Teabaggers!  Enjoy!

Can this poodle wearing a tinfoil hat get more fans than Glenn Beck?

[clicking this picture will take you to the FB group in a new window]

I've never understood this whole TelePromTer "scandal."  Just to put things into perspective...

Ah, the American conservative.  Also known as your garden-variety asshole, stupidity and shortsightedness have rarely commingled in such a frightening, destructive fashion as seen displayed by your average Republican dickhead.  The funny thing is, it turns out your typical "conservative" isn't really all that "conservative," at all.

Typically, those aligning themselves with the conservative wing of American politics are more like ignorant, violent dipshits, as opposed to the high-N-mighty voice of moral reason, embodiment of personal restraint, and law-N-order slash National Security bastions of awesome these retards would like you to believe they truly are.  But they're not.

According to Conservapedia (yes, that actually exists), "A conservative adheres to principles of limited government, personal responsibility and moral values, agreeing with George Washington's Farewell Address that 'religion and morality are indispensable supports' to political prosperity."  Moreover, "The sine qua non of a conservative is someone who rises above his personal self-interest and promotes moral and economic values beneficial to all, rather than to themselves as liberals promote. Alternatively, a conservative is willing to learn and advocate the insights of economics and the morality of the Bible for the benefit of all as is well known the Bible is the ultimate standard in logic."

Now that you're done laughing your ass off, let's move on.

Despite what Glen Beck and Rush Limbaugh would have you believe, most "conservatives," historically and in the present timeframe, almost always support and further that which they continually and vitriolically decry.  See, these assholes have mastered the art of lying.  Mastering the craft of using emotionally divisive rhetoric and  feel-good platitudes to hoodwink the great unwashed masses is as endemic to the mindset of your Salem Witch Hunt mob as it is to the G. Gordon Liddys and the Michelle Bachmans of the world.

The truth of the matter is, most conservatives are big, big fans of controlling what you think, controlling how you live your life, and dictating the absolutes of right and wrong - while getting you to pay for it, dearly, through high taxes and corporation-imposed artificial inflation enforced by a tyrannical central government authority.

The weak federal authority, Don't Tread on Me, Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death, inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness people?  Yeah, those are actually liberals who really believe that shit.  A conservative bullshitting about "preserving your freedoms" blah, blah, blah, is sort of like a rapist telling you that the massive rectal trauma he's inflicting on you actually feels good, while he's raping your asshole.  Now, you just lie there and take it and let Carl Rove finish "his business."

In the interest of exposing these lying assholes for the hypocrites that they really are, I give you:

The Six Darlings of
"Conservatism" in America:

Fucking Liar #1: J. Edgar Hoover.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "Hoover is credited with building the FBI into a large and efficient crime-fighting agency, and with instituting a number of modern innovations to police technology, such as a centralized fingerprint file and forensic laboratories."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: Your standard Law-N-Order conservative, Hoover gives the narrow-minded and the repressed spooky sexual dreams to this day.  Nothing gives a Republican a raging hard-on faster than draconian enforcement of anachronistic laws, unless we're talking about inflicting sadistic punishments for violating said laws.  If the RNC had their (secret, shameful) way, public flagellation and state-sponsored sexual torture would still be the order of the day.
The Reality: Essentially the father of the American Gestapo, Hoover is pretty much the antitheses of conservatism.  A high-minded, authoritarian bureaucrat hell-bent on imposing his beliefs and superstitions on a cowering populace under the guise of Orwelian Federal authority.
The Result: John Walsh's (America's Most Wanted) entire career.  Brainwashing the public into accepting the extant Police State through the airing of the TV show "COPS."
Recommended Redefinition:  The GOP's very own Heinrich Himmler.  Also, a creepy weirdo who liked to take it in the ass while wearing a dress as he systematically persecuted homosexuals.  See, repression and unhealthy views on sexuality are essential to the conservative mindset.  You just know Glen Beck enjoys homoerotic fantasies while he masturbates in the shower every morning.

He just looks like an asshole.

Fucking Liar #2: Joseph McCarthy.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "An American politician who served as a Republican U.S. Senator from the state of Wisconsin from 1947 until his death in 1957. Beginning in 1950, McCarthy became the most visible public face of a period in which Cold War tensions fueled fears of widespread Communist subversion.[1] He was noted for making claims that there were large numbers of Communists and Soviet spies and sympathizers inside the United States federal government and elsewhere. Ultimately, McCarthy's tactics and his inability to substantiate his claims led him to be censured by the United States Senate. The term McCarthyism, coined in 1950 in reference to McCarthy's practices, was soon applied to similar anti-communist pursuits. Today the term is used more generally to describe demagogic, reckless, and unsubstantiated accusations, as well as public attacks on the character or patriotism of political opponents."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: Hey, man.  We're fighting commies, here.  You can't get more conservative than that, right?  Never mind the fact that he embodied everything a "conservative" is supposed to despise.  Just imagine if Truman had tried to reform the American health care system.  Wow, man.
The Reality: Again, here we have one of the most powerful people in the U.S. Government using fear - the fear of Socialist, Marxist Commies (sound familiar?) - to impose his School-Teacher-From-The-Wall-esque domination over every American's thoughts and beliefs.
The Result: I think this says it all:  "Everything you think you know about McCarthy is a hegemonic lie. Liberals denounced McCarthy because they were afraid of getting caught, so they fought back like animals to hide their own collaboration with a regime as evil as the Nazis."  -Ann Coulter.  You should be noticing a pattern, by now.  So much for freedoms and Not Treading on Me.
Recommended Redefinition:  Fat, rich, angry, drunk white man imposing his beliefs on everyone else through a heavy-handed, just-making-shit-up campaign of terror and demagoguery.  What a dick.

Smug?  Fat?  Evil?
Yep.  He's a conservative.

Fucking Liar #3: Richard Nixon.
Backstory: You know, the guy who tried to railroad the electoral process, amassed an (actual - this one really existed) "Enemies List" (that is, Enemies of The State), and basically subverted the constitution, existing a hair's breadth from becoming an usurping dictator.
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: "No other American has held office in the executive branch of the federal government as long as Richard Nixon did.[213] He is the only person in American history to appear on the Republican Party's presidential ticket five times, to secure the Republican nomination for president three times, and to have been elected twice to both the vice presidency and the presidency. With Ronald Reagan and George H. W. Bush, Richard Nixon was the chief builder of the modern Republican party. From 1952 to 1992, at least one of these three men appeared on the Republican ticket for nine of the eleven presidential elections in those 40 years.  Throughout his career, he was instrumental in moving the party away from the control of isolationists and as a Congressman was a persuasive advocate of containing Soviet Communism."  [wiki]
The Reality: "Under Nixon, direct payments from the federal government to individual American citizens in government benefits (including Social Security and Medicare) rose from 6.3% of the Gross National Product (GNP) to 8.9%. Food aid and public assistance also rose, beginning at $6.6 billion and escalating to $9.1 billion. Defense spending decreased from 9.1% to 5.8% of the GNP. The revenue sharing program pioneered by Nixon delivered $80 billion to individual states and municipalities [Wiki]."  What's more:  "despite speeches declaring an opposition to the idea, he decided to offer Congress a budget with deficit spending to reduce unemployment and declared, 'Now I am a Keynesian.'" [Wiki]
The Result: The obsessive, rather disturbing need for every conservative on the planet to attack everyone within earshot, calling them "Tax-N-Spenders," despite the obvious historical fact that Republicans have repeatedly almost ruined the American economy.
Recommended Redefinition:  The man was a fucking Felon, okay?  "Elder Statesman," my liberal, hairy ass.  Also,  Nixon was a total asshole.

Some people wear their evil on the outside.

Fucking Liar #4: Ronald Reagan.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "As president, Reagan implemented sweeping new political and economic initiatives. His supply-side economic policies, dubbed 'Reaganomics', advocated reduced business regulation, controlling inflation, reducing growth in government spending, and spurring economic growth through tax cuts. In his first term he survived an assassination attempt, took a hard line against labor unions, and ordered military actions in Grenada. He was reelected in a landslide in 1984, proclaiming it was 'Morning in America'. His second term was primarily marked by foreign matters, namely the ending of the Cold War, the bombing of Libya, and the revelation of the Iran-Contra affair."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: Here, we get at the meat.  This guy is like Jesus to your conservative mind.  Or at least he would be if Jesus wasn't Jesus.  Heralded as the Big-Timey champion of lower taxes and smaller government, the facts support otherwise..
The Reality: Taxes for the vast majority of Americans and the size and scope of the federal government actually rose under Reagan's dopey-brained "stewardship" over the American economy.  Rampant deficit spending and shifting of the tax burdens to the middle and working classes are widely viewed as being the impetous for the financial meltdown of the late 80's/Early 90's, a downturn not reversed until the Clinton Administration.  Also, here we have another sitting U.S. President subverting the constitution.  Trading arms for hostages and selling illegal weapons to terrorists went in direct opposition to federal law and the separation of the branches of government, funding an illegal war in Nicaragua.
The Result: Under Reagan/Bush/Bush?  Deficits, the size of government, and taxes on the middle-class all rose precipitously.  Under Democrats, all three of these indicators fell, leading to largest peace time expansion of the American economy in history.  Yet, it's the liberals who tax and spend.  See?  Bunch of fucking liars.
Recommended Redefinition:  The idiot, off-his-nut grandpa of American Presidents who likely just played with Tinker Toys while the Poindexters and Rumsfelds and Bushes of the world ran roughshod over the economy, the constitution, bankrupting the morality of the country in the process.

Ronnie, telling us all what he really
thinks of the constitution.

Fucking Liar #5: Newt Gingrich.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "Newton Leroy 'Newt' Gingrich (born Newton Leroy McPherson; June 17, 1943) is an American politician who served as the Speaker of the United States House of Representatives from 1995 to 1999. In 1995, Time magazine selected him as the Person of the Year for his role in leading the Republican Revolution in the House, ending 40 years of the Democratic Party being in the majority. During his tenure as Speaker, he represented the public face of the Republican opposition to Bill Clinton."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: The "Contract for America."  Generally being a combative asshole.  Responsible for the present state of the republican party;  namely, Newtie made it acceptable to stand in the way of progress and change for no other reason than just being a fucking jackass.
The Reality: "On January 21, 1997, the House voted overwhelmingly (395 to 28) to reprimand House Speaker Newt Gingrich for ethics violations dating back to September 1994. The house ordered Gingrich to pay an unprecedented $300,000 penalty, the first time in the House's 208-year history it had disciplined a speaker for ethical wrongdoing."  [Wiki]  Not only is this asshole blatantly corrupt, he divorced his wife while she was recovering from cancer (CLASSY!), then remarried six months later.  After his second divorce, this prick bastard quickly married the tramp with whom he was having an affair while married to his second wife WHILE congress was investigating the Lewinsky scandal involving President Clinton.
The Result: Just turn on FAUX News at any given time:  This is Gingrichs' legacy.  Lying corrupt fucktards trying to ram their bullshit agenda down everyones' throats, demonizing everyone who even thinks about disagreeing with them, violating their own principles the entire time.  In Short:  Your typical Republican.
Recommended Redefinition:  The biggest fatass piece of shit in American History.  Also, the guy's name is "Newton Leroy."  Never forget that.

Corrupt.  Law Breaker.  Heartless Pig.  Adulterer.  Liar.  Hypocrite.  No WONDER Fox News loves this guy.  "Family Values," indeed.

Fucking Liar #6: Donald Rumsfeld.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "A United States businessman and politician who served as the 13th Secretary of Defense under President Gerald Ford from 1975 to 1977 and as the 21st Secretary of Defense under President George W. Bush from 2001 to 2006. He is both the youngest (43 years old) and the oldest (74 years old) person to have served as Secretary of Defense as well as the only person to have served in the position for two non-consecutive terms. Overall, he was the second longest serving defense secretary behind Robert McNamara. Rumsfeld was White House Chief of Staff during part of the Ford Administration and also served in various positions in the Nixon Administration. He served four terms in the United States House of Representatives, and served as the United States Permanent Representative to NATO. He was an aviator in the United States Navy between 1954 and 1957 before transferring to the Naval Reserve. In public life, he has served as an official in numerous federal commissions and councils."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: This guy presided over some of the evilest shit in American History.  Fuck, Nixon called this guy, "A ruthless little bastard," if that gives you any idea how much of a dick this guy is.  Sec Def, Head of the CIA, and also served as Senior Advisor to President Reagan's Panel on Strategic Systems, the group that masterminded the sale of WMD's to Iraq (the ones Hussein used on his own people, not the ones Rummy and Bush would later make completely the fuck up).
The Reality: From the cover-up of the Kennedy assassination, to Watergate, to Iran Contra, to Bankrolling Hussein, to Propping up Bush II, to the present, illegal Iraq war, Old Donny sure is going to have some serious hell to pay when Karma rolls around.
The Result: Two illegal wars.  Enron.  The financial Meltdown.  Roughly 50 years of pure, unmitigated hate and shitstorm unleashed upon planet Earth.
Recommended Redefinition:  The Anti-Christ.  For REAL.

He's very disappointed in you.

Fucking Liar #7: Sarah Palin.
Backstory [via: Wikipedia]: "American politician, author, speaker, and political commentator who served as the 11th Governor of Alaska from 2006 until her resignation in 2009. She was the Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States in 2008."
Supposed "Conservative" Cred: God only knows.  Folksy one-liners?  Her anti-abortion stance?  Something about Jesus and illegitimate grandchildren?  Who cares?
The Reality: Palin is a self-serving, self-righteous opportunist.  Dumber than a sack of oatmeal, this broad bailed on the People of Alaska and their long-awaited natural gas pipeline effort in order to become Glen Beck's wet motherfucking dream;  thus the nickname, "Bailin' Palin."
The Result: The complete implosion of the Republican party.  Shitloads of hilariously stupid Teabagger placards.  Tina Fey's career.
Recommended Redefinition:  The Dumb Office Betty Who Couldn't.

Keep talking, you dimwit.
PLEASE keep talking.

Yes, there have been shitty liberals, but fucking Marilyn Monroe and sticking a cigar up Monica Lewinsky's snatch hardly compares to essentially turning the United States into the Galactic Empire, now does it?  Not so much, especially when one considers the fact that the above group of evil fuckers did all this in the name of "Liberty" and "God" and "Family Values" and "stopping the socialists from ruining America."  Bunch of anti-education, anti-science, anti-reality retards.

And now, the right wing has become completely unglued and detached from actual facts.  Wrapping themselves in the American Flag, these non-idiots have, in the name of defeating "socialism," now gone out of their way to thwart our sitting president's efforts to wrestle some of the control of the economy out of the hands of a few, evil, republican-run corporations, often invoking our Founding Fathers and the Constitution to support their lies.

Here's a shocker:  Many, if not all of our Founding Fathers supported "providing essential services to the public at large for little or no remuneration. The costs of these services would be shared by the whole. This, by most modern accounts, is 'socialism.'"  [-Mark R. Brown]  Roads, the Post Office, a standing army,  libraries, fire protection, police protection and education are just some of the government services supported by Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, Hamilton, Madison, Adams, et al.  Hell, George Washington wanted to establish a National Brewery run by the Federal Government, for Christ's sake.


So, next time you hear these liars talk about "taking our country back" and "Obama the Marxist" and "Our sacred Constitution," know that these people are actually corporate tools who are lying through their fucking teeth.  These people don't want freedom for you, they don't want prosperity for America, they could give a FUCK about "National Security."  All the conservative movement is concerned with is A)  Bamboozling the stupid into believing their bullshit, and, B) Making as much money for their corporate masters as they possibly can.

 

Palin's teleprompter: Close-up of Palin's hand during Teabagger speech Sat. Night. It reads: "Energy. Budget [<- crossed out] Tax Cuts. Lift American Spirits."

 

Dumb broad. 

Here in Fairbanks, Alaska, the vast majority of people are fairly centrist, live-and-let live populists who don't really give a fuck what you think (myself included).  But, as in every mostly-rural state, when people 'round these parts get all TeaBaggie on you, they sure don't fuck around.

Enter Craig Compeau, Owner of Compeau Sports, one of our local Snowmachine/Boat and Boat Motor retailers.  For the second year in a row, Ol' Cragiers has paid for and erected a large ice sculpture of Al Gore in the parking lot of a local liquor store (perched on one of the busiest intersections in town) and has sponsored a contest, aimed not only at ridiculing the Vice President, but to pull off one hokey-ass marketing gimmick.

The stunt serves to display his wonton ignorance to the rest of the world as well.

A bit of irony:  Last year, about 4 days after Mr. Compeau erected (snicker) his firs Gore Sculpture, the temperature shot up from -40 below, to +52 above, the warmest temperature ever recorded in January in Fairbanks.  Here's the full article:

http://newsminer.com/pages/ful...

And our local "liberal" (tsk.  yeah.  right.) newspaper columnist's response:

http://newsminer.com/pages/ful...

Enjoy, and Happy New Year, everyone!

The Mall Of Shame

In case you haven't figured it out, I pretty much despise conspicuous consumerism. Anything with DKNY, Tommy Hilfiger (I refuse to look up the spelling for that) or Gucci on it - actually, none of those or any other brands of evil useless, overpriced crap has no place in my home or on my body.

And as much as I hate consumerism, I hate the cathedral to consumerism even more. The Shopping Mall is like my own, personal, live, 3-D hell. And there is no mall bigger or stupider or more chock-full of evil, slave-labor produced shit that nobody would ever need for any reason whatsoever than my home state's own Mall of America.

Now, to be fair, I've only been in that fucker twice, and that's two times too many. The first time I was in there was right around this time of year, shortly after that gargantuan monument to all that is disturbing and wrong with modern society first opened. I was inside that hellish shithole for no longer than thirty minutes before I started to actually get dizzy and physically nauseated.

That is no joke, these vertigo-like symptoms actually occurred. Yeah, right, I'm Mister Funny Man with the biting cynicism and the embittered sarcasm and the scathing satire, but not right now, in this paragraph. I actually felt physically ill after not quite a half hour inside the megamall. Now that I think about it, that sickening experience in the MOA was really a precursor to my "getting lost in the MGM Grand while tripping my face off after a Dead show" experience in 1995.

But seriously, unless you're some sort of corporate whore with $200 pants and designer oven mitts and kitschy overpriced particle board Ikea furniture, there is no way to feel about the interior of the MOA but completely fucking suicidal and disgusted.

Let's have some history, here. The Mall of America is located on the former site of the former Metropolitan Stadium, home to the Twins and the Vikings (and, briefly, the Minnesota Kix) for some 20 years. I shook Rod Carew's hand on the first base line of Met Stadium in 1977, and Gary Gietty's, AND I got my picture taken on the Twin's dugout bench with - no shit - Gene Mach's arm around me. It was "Camera Day" and I got a stray foul ball that day too. So there's some personal boyhood issues involved, here - seeing as how the Fuckers tore Met Stadim down and moved all of Minnesota's sports teams into that fucking eyesore, the Metrodome, and replaced the best homefield advantage in both the NFL and MLB with the biggest goddamned mall in the world. Someone, likely several people, will rot in hell forever over that one. Fucking dicks.

For those of you who are unaware, the Mall of America is the largest indoor shopping center in the world. Aside from the Macy's and the Dayton's and the Marshall Fields and the other horrible stores too numerous to mention, the MOA also has a complete amusement park enclosed within it's terrible walls. The thing is fucking HUGE. 520 stores, a workforce of over 12,000 people attracting more visitors annually than Disney World, Graceland and the Grand Canyon combined, this particular 2.5 million square feet of retail space is perhaps the most horrible thing ever.

Here's some "FUN FACTS" about Minnesota's Shrine to Evil:

If a shopper spent 10 minutes browsing at every store it would take them more than 86 hours to complete their visit to Mall of America. [if a shopper spent 20 minutes per store, it would take a week without sleep or pissing just to get through all that evil]

258 Statue of Libertys could lay inside the Mall. [Praise Enron]

67 Washington Monuments could lay inside the Mall. [praise Halburtron]

If Mall of America had a retractable roof (and it is where an old baseball stadium used to stand), nine Eiffel Towers could stand inside. [Fucking fuckers]

If Mount Rushmore was divided into individual monuments, a president could reside in each of the Mall's four courts. [Or, one of George Bush the junior's small-dicked egos would fit as well]

If the Mall had a retractable roof, two King Khufu Pyramids, the world's largest pyramid, would fit inside. [I am now puking blood with rage and disbelief]

Mall of America's 4.2 million square feet would hold 24,336 school buses. [How many pedophiles would that entail?]

More than 45 miles of US West phone lines are strung throughout Mall of America. [via your own personal rectum and checkbook]

Mall of America is big enough to hold 32 Boeing 747s. [Airborne?]

More than 56 million rides have been given at Camp Snoopy since opening. [Not including bad-touches]

More than 2,500 couples have been married at Mall of America since opening in August, 1992. [See what kind of shit this evil crap inspires?]

No need for heat - Mall of America's guests, along with miles of lights, provide enough warmth to keep the entire complex toasty warm even during the cool winter season (only the entrances from parking ramps are heated). [Okay, that's kind of sinister and gay]

More than 3,000 individuals are registered in the "Mall Walker" program. The 1996 Mall Walker of the Year walked off 140 pounds. [Keep walking, fatass]

In its first five years, the Mall generated 34,700 tons of waste. Through innovative programs the Mall now successfully recycles more than 50 percent of its annual waste. [And that makes the other 17.350 tons okay, for some evil reason, I guess]

The LEGO® Imagination Center blimp is constructed from 138,240 LEGO bricks. Did you know a set of six lego bricks can be put together in 103 million different combinations? [Did you know that a set of six republican legislators can be bought and sold in 104 million different combinations? you will!

They're actually proud of that shit, if you can believe it, and I know you can.

On my second and last trip ever to that vortex of wrongness, I was walking down one of the hundreds of cavernous corridors therein, trying to find something, when a perfect, well-groomed family of four passed me walking the opposite direction. The little boy of this group, in a quasi-orgasmic fit of ecstasy, was heard to say, "There it is! Old Navy, dead ahead!!!" As if he had just found Nirvana (the state of being, not the shitty band), or some crap. I had to take a knee. Little evil mignon. Jesus. True story. You can just imagine the looks I got, kneeling in the presence of Kalvin Klien and (I kid you not - this store actually exists) Linens and Things, trying my damnedest not to puke my fucking guts out at the horror of it all.

The reason I'm going off on this rather obvious topic is that, making an awful situation somehow even more awful and shitty, the famed NBC "Today" program is broadcasting a live remote featuring that horrible bitch, Meriah Kerry (again, I refuse to look up the spelling), in some sort of horrible, awful evil concert from - you guessed it - the center of hell, the MOA. As a tie-in, the idiots at NBC sent some clueless shithead up here to my new hometown, beautiful Ely, Minnesota, to go on an overnight dogsled camping trip. I can't imagine what the fuck they were thinking, but there you have it.

So if you're curious about where I live or you would just enjoy watching some preppie city boy endure 20-below in the middle of nowhere, you might want to tune in and watch. The spot is also available online, if you'd rather not subject yourself to Katie Kouric's terrible bullshit. Click here, then scroll through their "Free Video" thingy until you see a sled dog and hit "play" (windows media player required). My favorite part was when the cameraman laid down on the ice and looked directly into the eyes of an Arctic Husky and nearly got his face ripped off. Idiot. Seriously, though. Check it out. There's some nice shots of winter in Northern Minnesota, and a couple local cuties too. Also, you should probably try to make it inside the MOA sometime, just for the transcendent level of lameness involved. Shudder.

BWAH! Rhymes with, "wooshbag"

http://www.reuters.com/article...

If you're not outraged, then you're clearly not paying attention. I mean, really. Western civilization has denigrated to the point where assholes like Rush Limbaugh and Glen Beck are making millions off of suckering the same people who are getting screwed by multinational conglomerates into supporting the policies of said same conglomerates, marijuana is still a schedule one narcotic, and I haven't been laid in over two years.

That's how gay everything has become.

Seriously. When I started my horrible website over a decade ago, I was all ranty and angry about various things, blithely passing my days, eagerly awaiting the end of the world the whole time. Now, more than a decade later, shit has gotten even more twisted and stupid. And yet? Still no armageddon. That's enough to piss a guy completely off.

And rather than us peeps getting us some serious Hope and Change action, shit just keeps getting more and more ridiculous. And the nonsense shows no signs of abating. It's getting to the point where a dude can, in no way, abide this bullshit.

Blah, blah, blah. Your inevitable retort is already boring me to tears, so don't even bother. Much to Mr. Gehring's [My 2nd grade teacher] chagrin, I still don't play well with others, I will never live up to my "potential" (whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean, as if "potential" is some sort of quantifiable resource like pork futures or hitability), and I have what can only be described as a "bad attitude," assuming aforementioned describer is a total dick.

I am in the unfortunate position of being the beneficiary of perhaps one of the finest educations ever offered in the history of Western Civilization. Me, and everyone with whom I "grew up." In 1975, when I entered the educational system, the sky was the limit, dude. All options were on the table. All one had to do was to put forth the proper amount of effort and "gumption," and everything was supposed to work out just fucking fine.

I mean, we all got college degrees, dude. That was what it was all supposed to take: A B.A. and some serious elbow grease and everything is luxury sedans and a fat benefits package and three weeks paid vacation, and shit. The American Dream. All that.

Tsk. Right. Turns out that excellent education doomed me to a life of fierce independence and rational, critical thought. Whoops. Probably shouldn't have done that.

Whatever, I'm over it. But if there's one thing I'm totally not over, it's this whole rage about the world, thing. I know, I need to grow up.

Tsk. Right.

The 7 Things About Life That
Will Totally Piss Me Off, Forever.

Thing #1: Censorship of language.
Standard Example: You can show the gruesome results of a brutal murder happened upon a corpse on some CSI show, but if Tom Barnard makes an "Indian" joke on air, KQRS gets fined $500 billion dollars by the FCC. Yeah. That's cool.
Sorce of all the Rage: Look, I go out of my way to swear as much as humanly possible, both on my website and in real life - just to prove a point. If you're afraid of mere words, you are clearly afraid of much more than thoughts and ideas which make you "uncomfortable;" namely, people who are afraid of words and ideas are of the same mindset that allowed the Third Reich to even happen. That's right, I said it. I'm looking at you, Christian conservatives. You fucking assholes. Shouldn't you people be out burning books or persecuting single mothers, or something?
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: A free and open exchange of ideas, wherein using terms and phrases like "fags are gross" and "socialism is actually a good thing" doesn't automatically trigger some viral response from the newsies. Nigger faggot jew cunt fuck shit. George Carlin was so fucking right. Shit fuck.
Inevitable End Result: All discourse in America is reduced to hot-button talking points and banal, meaningless jibber-jabber. Ooops. Too late. Okay, I just used the phrase, "jibber-jabber." Maybe censorship isn't such a bad thing? Fuck it. Yes it is.

 

Not Safe For Work.
Totally safe for your innocent children, though.
The little shits.
Any excuse to publish this photo.
Also, FUCK Johnny Cash.

 

 

 

 

 

Thing #2: Rampant stupidity.
Standard Example: Intelligent Design. People who think the Earth is flat. Teabaggers.
Sorce of all the Rage: For fucks' sake, it's nearly 2010. Jesus Christ died and stayed dead, forever, about 2006 years ago. And still, there's this whole crowd of ignorant troglodytes out there calling our president a "Socialist" and a "Nazi" in the same breath. There are people out there who think NASA is a waste of tax dollars. There are millions, millions of people in America who think that everyone does, indeed, love Raymond. My God.
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: An entire population of highly-educated, forward-thinking non-assholes out there engaging in creative arts, scientific study, and generally roaming around and not being total fucktards. I know. Crazy.
Inevitable End Result: The continued expansion of the NASCAR fan base.

 

Dale Earnhardt, on his way to riding with Jesus.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thing #3: The "War" on "Drugs."
Standard Example: Whatever Glaxo-Smith-Kline doesn't mass-produce that happens to make life's soul-crushing drudgery slightly less horrifying.
Sorce of all the Rage: I'm smoking menthols and drinking shitty ice beer while I write this, as if that weren't obvious. But if I'm in Nevada, and a State Trooper finds a single seed or pot stem lodged in the nap of the carpet under the passenger seat of my car? I'd be a goddamned felon. Fucking, cunting, ridiculous. USA! USA! USA!.
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: Everyone doing exactly what everyone has been doing since the dawn of time. Human beings have a nearly genetic drive to alter their consciousness. This is obvious. But these censorship-loving, dinosaur-disbelieving, teabagging Palin-lovers love nothing more than to invest in Anheuser-Busch while throwing a bunch of pot smoking hippies in jail for smoking a flower. These assholes are taking Ambien and Viagra the whole time. Ambien and Viagra are DRUGS, by the way.
Inevitable End Result: Enough potheads jonesing hard enough for enough kind bud will, eventually, get off their couches and spark some sort of violent, bloody revolution whereby everyone who wears a tie to work is force-fed LSD and Ex. I can't wait.

 

Is it Meth? Is it Heroin? Is it PCP?
No. It's just a pansy flower.
But according to the federal government, they're all the same narcotic.
USA! USA! USA!

 

 

 

 

  

Thing #4: Anything right-wing, conservative, or republican.
Standard Example: A bunch of stupid, flat-earthing, teabagging assholes unwittingly supporting the very machine which they purport to despise, using misguided patriotism and a false sense of individuality as a justification for their fear of chaos. Bunch of tools.
Sorce of all the Rage: For about a century, "liberals" have been rallying against government intrusion in private lives, the trampling of freedoms, and the right for every American to live his or her life according to one's own standards and morals. And now these cocksuckers have co-opted all of that in the name of Rupert Murdoch's well-paid henchmen and all their ridiculous fabrications. Because they're fucking stupid. Stupid, angry assholes.
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: Do unto others. Share what you don't absolutely need. Go out of your way to be nice for other people. Jesus, what am I? Some sort of America-hating communis? I misspelled that intentionally.
Inevitable End Result: Yet more witch hunts and McCarthyism. Another inquisition. Me punching Glen Beck in the fucking neck and sweeping his knees and becoming America's next revolutionary hero. It's just a matter of time, people. Come to Fairbanks, Mr. Beck, and I will (proverbially) kick your (hypothetical) fucking ass. I'll do 3-to-5 for aggravated assault. No fucking problem. I'm going to die by then anyway. Might as well go out in style.

 

These people need death panels.
DRACONIAN death panels.
Because we all remember how awful
all those Soviet Czars were.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thing #5: Michael Moore.
Standard Example: Standing somewhere with a bullhorn, making a complete fool of himself.
Sorce of all the Rage: Look, this guy used to be one of my heroes. But now? He's just a big, fat, whiny douche. He used to be a great voice for liberal, anti-corporate rage. Then he doubled-back on himself and is now Britt Hume's wet motherfucking dream. Michael Moore is now the poster boy for everything wrong with the Left. Bunch of whiny, crybaby idiots. Man, do I miss Paul Wellstone. We all do. Damn.
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: George Carlin's reanimated corpse. We should be so lucky. It's time for human cloning, people. Our lives are much less rich without the man. Again, damn.
Inevitable End Result: Glen Beck will cite Michael Moore's new movie as proof that Obama is a socialist and that America is going down the tubes (no, not the Ted Stevens' tubes) and something something about Boncentration Bamps. Blah, blah, motherfucking blah. Please kill me.

 

Oh, fucking hang it up, already.
Jesus. Way to play into their hands, asshole!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thing #6: Class Disparity.
Standard Example: It has been well-known for years and years that one percent of the population controls 95 percent of the wealth in this country. And that ratio isn't exactly improving anytime soon, if you can dig that crazy shit.
Sorce of all the Rage: All of us work ourselves to the motherfucking bone, with pride, because we're Americans. And we are all badass motherfuckers. Meanwhile, there is this tiny, tiny class of people who live in this cartoonish universe of opulence never before seen in the history of human civilization. But as soon as we complain, Bill O'Rielly and Strom Thurmond's reanimated corpse start crying "CLASS WARFARE!" like a bunch of spoon-fed pussies. As if "class warfare" is a bad thing. I mean, really.
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: Once you're set for life? You then set out doing nothing but sharing your wealth and helping others and otherwise going out of your way to alleviate suffering. Again, I know, crazy talk.
Inevitable End Result: Up against the wall, you rich, corporate, motherfucker.

 

This Haliburton Executive has never got a bonus
for securing an unbidded, billion-dollar contract in Iraq.
He's totally against "socialized health care," by the way.
USA! USA! USA!

 

 

 

 

 

Thing #7: Politics in general.
Standard Example: Do I really need to explain this? If so, stop reading my website, forever.
Sorce of all the Rage: Okay, I'm as tolerant and as hippie/commie/liberal as they come. Trust me. You don't want to know what I really think. I would, for certain, shock you with what I truly, honestly believe. But I LOVE guns. I'm all for open carry. I'm a huge fan of a virtually powerless central government. I'm all for States' Rights. But I'm also all about the EPA, what with rivers on fire and Union Carbide and Dow Chemical, and shit. If you're on your own property and are harming nobody else? You should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. Wait. Isn't that what "conservatives" are supposed to aspouse? Oops. What if I'm an abortionist on private land? And my state happens to have loose abortion laws. NOW the Federal gubbmint is supposed to step in, right, Glen Beck? Ooops. So much for States' rights. And what if two gay people own property and engage in man-love in the privacy of their own homes? Is this where gubbmint-enforced morality comes into play again? Two men snuggling absolutely turns my stomach, but I'm all for their right to marry one another. So, am I a "liberal" or a "conservative?" See how fucking stupid and simplistic all this shit is? FOX News? Lick my motherfucking BALLS, you ignorant, corporate schills. Also? Fuck motherfucking you, you shithead cunting assholes (SEE: Thing #1, above). The same goes for CNN, by the way.
Hippie Utopian Equivalent: Nobody giving a shit, living and letting others live, and occasionally smoking a big, fat doobie, every 90 minutes, because in my "Hippie Utopian Equivalent?" Pot smoking would be mandatory. Failure to smoke weed should be a crime punishable by death. Death by cigarette smoking and lack of universal health care.
Inevitable End Result: Death Race 2010, except this time for real. Match #1? Michelle Obama VS. Sarah Palin, fighting to the death with cheese graters, sponsored by General Dynamics, of course.

 

Not Red States, nor Blue States. Purple States.
Sköl VIKINGS!

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, so, okay. I have a "bad attitude." Fucking sue me. Now, you just go ahead and take a trip to the grocery warehouse and then drive all the way back home and then take your fucking blood pressure and tell me thoughts of homicidal rampages never entered your brain the whole time. Without lying. Liar. You should hear what I really think.

( - promoted by leftake)

Republicans are becoming a rare breed, these days. Since the right wing has been completely hijacked by extremist thugs from the fringes of sanity, otherwise reasonable people have been fleeing the Party in droves. So as a service to you, we here at RememberancientWeb.com have compiled a compilation of common misrepresentations representative of your average Republican asshole.

Not satisfied with mere douchebaggery, today's Republican has taken rage-induced paranoia and intolerance to unprecedented levels of scary and insane. The trouble in picking-out the Republicans from a crowd of your average mouth-breathing morons lies in the fact that these people now seem to be speaking in code - effectively lying their way through various talking points in an effort to obfuscate their own foolishness.

So, in order to avoid shooting our wad too early (a typical Republican habit) and blow the whole joke, without further ado we give you:

Six Concrete Examples of how Republicans
Routinely Lie Through Their Fucking Teeth:

Stated Belief: The U.S. Constitution is as Sacred as Scripture and is to be interpreted in an equally fundamental, literal fashion.
Standard Party Line: "These liberals won't rest until they take away our Constitutional rights!"
Hypocricy Involved: This line of bullshit immediately goes out the window as soon as some cop pulls-over a hippie for driving 40 miles an hour in a 65 MPH zone. Unreasonable search and seizure is just fine for potheads, evidently. Also, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion..." only applies to non-Southern Baptists, as far as Republicans are concerned.
Historic Relevance: Since the First Continental Congress, conservatives have routinely mistaken the concept of "freedom" with the concept of "ruling-class privilege."
This All Speaks To: "Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel."

 

 

Stated Belief: So-called "States' Rights" supersede Federal authority.
Standard Party Line: "I believe in states' rights ... I believe we have distorted the balance of our government today by giving powers that were never intended to be given in the Constitution to that federal establishment." [Ronald Reagan, August 3, 1980]
Hypocricy Involved: If we're talking about enforcing the ridiculous classification of marijuana as a schedule-one narcotic or the Federal drinking age requirement, then fuck States' Rights. But when we start talking about  the EPA or about restricting access to abortion, then Rush Limbaugh is all about a weak central government.
Historic Relevance: The obvious answer is that these people still believe that the Southern Succession was not a treasonous, illegal act.
This All Speaks To: In the South, they don't call it the "Civil War," they call it "The Occupation." Just another example of how Republicans tend to pick and choose their philosophy to fit the moment.

 

 

 

 

Stated Belief: Unwavering belief in "Free Market Capitalism."
Standard Party Line: "The Bible mandates free market capitalism. It is anti-socialist." We don't know, we just found this on the internet somewhere. It doesn't matter who or when, it pretty much sums everything up.
Hypocricy Involved: Billions of dollars worth of unbidded contracts awarded to Halliburton in Iraq shortly after the (then) Vice President served as the CEO of said Halliburton Energy Services. You'll never hear Bill O'Reilly complain about this corrupt bullshit. But food stamps for starving babies? Pure evil.
Historic Relevance: Actually, the United States has been a blend of private and public enterprise since its' inception. Anyone who tells you otherwise is blowing smoke up your ass.
This All Speaks To: A bunch of rich fuckers using semantic gymnastics (READ: Lying through their fucking teeth) in order to distract you from the fact that they are robbing you blind.

 

Stated Belief: Unwavering fear of "Socialism."
Standard Party Line: "We are a country that is headed towards socialism, totalitarianism, beyond your wildest imagination." Just guess which rocket scientist said that.
Hypocricy Involved: Until these fucktards start applying their wafer-thin "socialism" argument to entities like General Dynamics, Chrysler (the first bailout, the one REAGAN did), and the U.S. Army, they can all just shut the fuck up.
Historic Relevance: We are pretty sure what these idiots are so afraid of is actually "Communism." See what happens when the Reagan administration forces drastic cuts in education spending?
This All Speaks To: A total lack of critical thinking. Speaking of which...

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stated Belief: Near religious support for Religion itself.
Standard Party Line: "One Nation, under GOD..."
Hypocricy Involved: We get our "God" from this wonderful little green plant that we like to smoke. Guess who would object, in the violentest possible way, if we were to put a statue of a pot plant on government property.
Historic Relevance: Actually, "Prayer is the last refuge of a scoundrel." Ever since Jesus Christ achieved (mortal) transcendence, assholes like Pat Robertson have been raping his name to further their own quest for power and influence.
This All Speaks To: Again, that whole "critical thinking" thing. Also, this is a harsh, uncaring universe, and bad things happen to good people. Republicans are notoriously terrified of this undeniable fact and tend to use this God character as a crutch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stated Belief: We are a Nation of Laws.
Standard Party Line: "We've taken a side and that's for the rule of law, for the republic, for the Constitution." Again, guess which non-lunatic is lying. Again.
Hypocricy Involved: Oh, the name Oliver North comes to mind. Then there's the issue of torturing people in violation of both the Geneva Conventions and Federal Law. The whole Iraq War II deal was pretty much illegal. We could go on...
Historic Relevance: Anyone remember Nixon? Ted Stevens?
This All Speaks To: None of this has anything whatsoever to do with the Kennedy assassinations.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, basically, everything every Republican says is a fucking lie. Either it's Sarah Palin completely making shit up about "death panels," or it's Glenn Beck insinuating that the TARP bailout was instigated by the Obama administration. Fiscal conservatism and smaller government? Under Bush we went from a $128 billion dollar budget surplus to a $1.4 billion dollar deficit, and we got the DHS out of the deal, the largest government expansion in 50 years.

Remember, Climate Change is a totalitarian conspiracy and Obama is a Nazi, racist, Socialist, Czar-lover. Liberals are all tax-n-spenders and want to take your guns, the health care reform effort is an attempt to take over the private lives of citizens, and greed is good.

I can totally identify. Yawn.

 

 

I'm just too lazy and upset to format this for leftake.  Call this shameless promotion, or capitalism.  I could care less.  If you want funny, click below.  Or not.  Until [Ed] gives me access to post actual css. stylesheets, I'm going to just go ahead with this whole crippling depression deal, not  that there is anything wrong with that.

You know.  Terminal.  That whole gag.  FOX news makes light of my plight on an hourly basis.

Sometimes, it drags me down.

READ:

http://rememberancientweb.com/...

I'd thought I'd lighten things up a bit.

Sometimes I wake up and get drunk and watch the Vikings.

Kick Motherfucking Ass.

But, seriously.  Leftake.com has been targeted.  Awesome.

I meant to say, "Script Kiddie."

I had to rebuild my entire hard drive yesterday, just to log-in to this, and any other website.

You're running OS X server, huh?

Fuckers.

/fucking fuckers.  assholes.

[this was supposed to be a comment on an article.  couldn't do that, though.  Apparently, somebody who likes Glenn Beck knows JAVA.

(Hmm.... well, we admit, parts of this delight us, and parts of this frighten us, but... hey, it's generating a lot of comments here, so clearly there's interest in discussing it.  We'll let you folks be the judge whether it's "hot" or "not."   - promoted by leftake)

Okay, you common-sense-challenged fucktards, the gloves are officially off. Whatever makes these angry, pathetic "morans" even angrier? I'm all for it. I want to see transgendered lesbians fucking in the streets. Gay marriage? Bring it on. I am now a supporter of mandatory, compulsary abortions, funded exclusively by the tax dollars of avowed Baptists. Death panels? I'll take two, thank you very much.

Now, while it may seem, on the surface, that I actually give a shit about something, here, the truth of the matter is quite the opposite of such. Honestly? I could care fucking less. Neither could any of the other 99.98% of the rest of the otherwise reasonable people out there.

But, still. With these tinfoil-industry-supporting nutjobs who seem to have a public voice, for some strange reason, something's got to give. And that something is clearly my sanity. Whatever makes Dick Cheney cry, man. I'm a HUGE fan of it. I bring you:

The Six Reasons Why
I Just Don't Fucking Care About Politics Anymore
(but I'm nonetheless still filled with rage):

A handy, 6-step template for refuting anything Obama, or anyone on the left, says or does.

We here at the RNC, now that we have the Administration fully on their heels, know that you, fellow conservatives, have your hands' full disagreeing with everything possible.  Using the hypothetical headline, "Obama Declares 10/14/2009 'National Puppy Day,'" the following can be used as a blueprint for discrediting these Godless Communists.

Obama Declares October 14th, "National Puppy Day"

1.  Begin with righteous indignation:

Be sure to get the blood boiling right off the bat by invoking several emotional, vitriolic references.  Mention Nazi Germany, Socialism, taxes, and the 9/11 terrorist attacks as much as possible.  Extra points for snide innuendo and poorly-masked sarcasm!

EXAMPLE:  As I sit here thinking of that horrible day for America - literally the greatest tragedy in human history - when those who hate America tried to take away our freedoms, I have to ask, "Are puppies making us safer?"  Thanks, Mr. President, for having the taxpayer's freedom and safety in mind...by praising puppies!

2.  Insert vague, tenuous historical comparison:

No distortion of "the facts" (as the liberal media would want you to think of them, anyway) is out of bounds.  If it's something Joe Sixpack might sort-of remember from Junior High History class, or if it's something Jenny Soccermom might have overheard being discussed while at her hairdresser, you've found refutation gold!

EXAMPLE:  You know who else likes puppies, Mr. Sorento?  Michael Vick.  That's Who.  Coronel Klink loved those German Shepherds, didn't he?  And look what happened to Bob Crane!  You should be afraid, America, history is repeating itself!

3.  Inflame further with thinly-veiled call for violence and unmasked allusion to "blackness."  Use the quotation-fingers gesture as much as possible:

EXAMPLE:  So, our President and Michael Vick are both "Puppy Supporters."  Don't you see, America?  "These People" are trying to destroy our "way of life" and "our values."  It's time for all "patriots" to "rise up" and "do something" about it.

4.  Make something up:

Time to stick the knife in and twist it.  Nothing gets a liberal to concede a debate faster than forcing them to respond to outrageous claims and ridiculous fabrications.  Everything is on the table.  Remember, the idea here is to redefine the argument and distract people from the so-called "real problems," (that liberal media, again).

EXAPMLE:  There was a man who also loved puppies.  He started by loving puppies, and then he killed Patty Hearst.  That man's name is Charles Manson, and the Administration has reportedly been in close contact with Manson on such issues as raising your taxes and giving all American babies The Gay.

5.  Issue talking points through the usual channels:

Be sure to recommend to Mr. Limbaugh and Mr. Beck, et. al., that they elude to the story in question days before they break the actual story.  In this fashion, our Point Men can claim clairvoyance when the time comes to inform the public of the latest Socialist Ploy.

EXAPMPLE:  First, Limbaugh refers to the president as, "Dawg" in a snarky tone of voice.  The next day O'Reilly calls Nancy Pelosi, "Obama's Lap Dog."  On day three, Beck refers to welfare recipients as, "Puppies suckling off the taxpayer's tit," while Palin claims, "America is going to the dogs" on Twitter.  THEN the "Puppy" story "breaks."  Natch!

6.  The RNC Mad Lib Wrap-Up:

Simply fill-in the blanks within the following sentence:

"Why is Obama wasting_____A_____on____B____when he could be____C____?!"

EXAMPLE:
For Blank "A:"  Time, Tax Dollars, Government Resources
For Blank "B:"  Puppies, Meaningless National Holidays, Healthcare Reform
For Blank "C:"  Dealing With Afghanistan, Cutting Taxes for the Rich, Saving Kittens

Realize that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is now coming to the fore, Iran needs a good invading, and these leftist pinkos are going to probably want to legalize drugs sometime soon.

When these and other issues come up, consider this easily-malleable format a time saver so you aren't distracted from our true goals:  Deregulating industry, giving our donors the opportunity to rake in trillions of dollars, invading sovereign nations so our cronies can get multi-billion-dollar, unbidded contracts in oil-rich regions, and making America into the Theocracy that we all know She can be.  Good "hunting," people!

(Promoted. We wouldn't change a word.   - promoted by leftake)

ty.

Glen Beck? You Sir, are a Dick.

DATELINE: 09/11/09: Glen beck compares the 9/11 attacks and the "loss of our freedoms..." involved to efforts to reform the health care system.

The world is completely shocked.

Wow. The republican machine has really pulled out all the stops at this point; too bad they've completely shot their wad at this point. Too bad for them. Hmmm...I wonder what the next thing they're going to shoot is going to be? And you thought shouting "You lie!" during a Presidential address to Congress is rude? You just wait. These assholes are going to do it.

And the world will be completely shocked.

These people are telling the American Public a bunch of lies that they completely pulled out of their asses, which they then lied to themselves about until they actually started believing this bullshit nonsense, and now they're lying about their lies even more. It's like a tornado full of stupid fell into a vortex of wrong and it all spun around together until it was finally spewed out of FOX News' fat, stupid mouth.

"The government is trying to take over the economy and our lives."

This is an organization that took five days to get water to the Superdome. And these same inept stuffed-shirts are going to assume control of every aspect of your everyday lives, through the nefarious and draconian act of offering taxpayer-financed health insurance to 15 percent of the population. Bunch of jack-booted thugs.

Seriously. They're just making this stuff up at this point. As if wrestling some of the control of one-fifth the American economy out of the greedy hands of a very few multi-trillion dollar corporations, all of whom are run by Monty Burns himself, is somehow going to lead to some bureaucrat standing by your television whose only job is to make sure your small children watch naught but anti-Jesus propaganda and hardcore gay porn.

Right, and if you believe that, you believe this is actually a "free-market" system. And by "free-market," I actually mean about a dozen republicans who control everything from a dark, lightning-surrounded castle on a rocky hill.

NOT PICTURED:  Lightning.

Let me tell you about my own little death panel:

Just over 21 months ago, I was diagnosed with acute, stage III upper-esophageal cancer. Inoperable. This condition soon progressed to stage IV, with metastasis to my liver. According to the doctors, I'll be dead in about a year.

Just over 21 months ago, I was an independent contractor at age 37 with no health insurance. 29 months ago, I was really worried because I had no health insurance and I was having serious difficulty swallowing combined with debilitating fatigue. I knew even before then, almost a year before I was diagnosed, what was going on.

Nawww...it'll just go away. Besides. Health insurance would have cost more than half my income at that point.

Since my diagnosis, I have received what must have been nearly, if not more than one million dollars worth of health care services. And I'm going to die. Likely before I see the age of 41. And that's being generous, both in costs and in years.

Now, If I had had some sort of, oh...say...public, affordable health insurance option a year before my diagnosis, I would have immediately gone to the doctor, avoided about $750,000 dollars in health care costs, and would likely live many, many years longer than I most surely will at this point. And at this point, I'd like to remind you, health care reform or not, tax dollars still ended up paying for my health care. It just cost everyone four times as much, and a bunch of republican-run corporations made a fucking killing off of my illness, both figuratively and literally. From their lightning-surrounded castle.

By the time I started treatment, my esophagus was dilated down to less than one millimeter. I went through a year of chemo and radiation therapies, both of which were nearly fatal. I was hospitalized five times, with countless trips to the emergency room.

Had I been able to afford health care coverage, my cancer would certainly have been detected, even long before I had any symptoms, simply through a routine blood test.

But since people like Glen Beck are too busy jacking-off to videos of the planes hitting the Twin Towers while they make up downright motherfucking lies about health care reform, I ended up costing the taxpayers up to, including, and probably more than one million dollars. Guess who gets to pay for my funeral, too?

Part of me falls asleep smiling every night knowing that even the tiniest portion of Glen Beck's taxes are going to pay for my coffin and burial, or cremation, or whatever.

All this, because people like the masturbatory and completely non-effeminate, non-homosexually-repressed Glenn Beck are just so enamoured with the likes of Glaxo Smith Kline and Aetna, they suggest we forgo these (made up claims of) death panels and socialisms in favor of an autocratic, dictatorial corporacracy. USA! USA!

That's my little death panel: Glen Beck and Sarah Palin and Stephen J. Hemsley, the CEO of United Health Care. Hemsley's 2007 salary? $13.2 million dollars.

Profits at 10 of the country's largest publicly traded health insurance companies rose 428 percent from 2000 to 2007. In 2007 alone, the chief executive officers at these [10] companies collected combined total compensation of $118.6 million-an average of $11.9 million each. That is 468 times more than the $25,434 an average American worker made that year.
from: Letter to the Department of Justice: Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY), and Health Care for America Now (HCAN)

You don't want to know what the Kitten does when Glen Beck Maturbates.